Explore assertive vs. aggressive behavior through a personal story about Zeus, with ways to stay curious, recognize impact, and hold clear boundaries.
How do we make room for someone's passion while still making room for everyone else? My dog Zeus recently gave me a reason to think about that question.
Zeus is my 110-pound Great Dane/Pittie mix. When his daycare described him as “assertive,” my mind immediately went to aggressive. Was he being mean? They corrected me...he had good intentions. He just wanted to be in the middle of EVERYTHING.
Same dog. Different interpretation. And a reminder to pause before turning a behavior into a judgment about character.
That can happen with people, too. A colleague speaks with conviction. A family member has strong opinions. A teacher advocates persistently for something important. Their intensity can feel uncomfortable, especially when their approach differs from ours.
Discomfort alone, though, does not tell us their intentions.
Assertiveness and aggression differ in how they treat other people's needs and rights. Assertive communication makes room for mutual respect. Aggression can override that space through intimidation, disrespect, or pressure.
Good intentions do not automatically make a behavior assertive. Someone can care deeply and still interrupt, dominate a conversation, or dismiss another perspective. Their purpose may be understandable; their approach may still need to change.
Maybe these are my rose-colored glasses, but I would rather begin with curiosity than assume the worst. “What matters so much to this person?” gives me somewhere more useful to start than “Why are they being so difficult?”
Understanding someone's perspective does not require surrendering our own. We can acknowledge their concern and clearly name the space we need:
These responses leave room for connection AND accountability. If someone repeatedly disregards a boundary, we can follow through by stepping away or seeking support.
Curiosity does not obligate us to tolerate mistreatment.
For leaders, this means making room for conviction while protecting everyone's opportunity to contribute. Before labeling someone “difficult,” we can ask what concern they are trying to bring forward. Then we can address the behavior directly: “I want to understand your concern, and I also want to hear from those who haven't spoken.”
That responsibility includes examining our own approach. Does my enthusiasm leave room for disagreement? When someone sets a boundary with me, do I respect it? Leadership requires applying the same expectations to ourselves that we set for others.
Enthusiasm and respect both belong in our relationships. I cannot control someone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. I can work on the assumptions I make, the response I choose, and the boundaries I uphold.
This weekend, Zeus will be in his Halloween costume, ready to be the nosy neighbor checking out everyone and everything they bring him. I suspect his enthusiasm will be difficult to miss.
His daycare's observation will stay with me...pause before assigning the harshest label. With people, that pause makes room for a fuller understanding, alongside clear expectations. Respect requires both generosity toward others and care for our own limits.